the experience
The following has been pieced together from several people's stories about their first experience at intimacy party, Curiosity. Obviously, names have been changed to protect the innocently curious!
I was really nervous before my first time at intimacy party, Curiosity. I’d tried a couple of sexuality events before – Sexpo and a kink club – but Curiosity sounded as if it would be more intense. Would it be too much for me? I was worried. Some of my friends had been there before and they kept describing it as friendly and safe… I found that hard to imagine. But something inside me said 'give this a go.' So, with some trepidation (but also excitement), I booked myself a ticket.
The workshop was the first hurdle to overcome. When I turned up the venue seemed okay. It was a pretty casual space and as I checked it out I could see a diverse range of people. It wasn’t like hanging out with my regular friends, but there were some smiles. I could see people making an effort to be friendly. The facilitators were diverse too. Roger and a female co-presenter both explained their gender identities – I’d never heard the term ‘disco-sexual’ before, although I’m pretty sure Rog was being tongue-in-cheek! In fact we all had a chance to introduce ourselves and offer our preferred pronouns. Not everyone identified as simply male or female, there was a lot of diversity. Everyone was totally accepting of everyone else’s identity.
After the intro, we got stuck straight into the workshop itself. There were some exercises, that our guides explained thoroughly beforehand. Some people worked with their partners or friends and the rest of us were efficiently matched at random by the facilitators. We started off with simple things – learning to say ‘no’, and setting boundaries via the ‘traffic light’ safe-word method. Around the room I could hear other participants navigating the exercises, saying ‘yes’, ‘no’, ‘green’, ‘orange’ and the occasional ‘red!’ So many whispers, giggles, or sometimes great seriousness! But when I began to concentrate on the exercise with my assigned partner I found myself fully engaged. I’d thought that working with a stranger would be scary, but I found it exhilarating. Even when I was paired with someone that I wouldn’t have normally played with if I met them at a party, I felt as though we reached an oddly satisfying level of understanding. I still felt safe and wasn’t pressured to do anything I was uncomfortable with – it didn’t have to be sexual.
Here are a few things I learned about myself during the workshop. I’d thought I had a pretty good idea of what consent is, and I’ve never been told I’m a bad communicator. But putting this common-sense knowledge into practice was really valuable. Communicating my boundaries with others was more challenging than I had expected and as I became better and better at it, I felt empowered to treat myself with a new level of respect. It wasn’t just the exercises, but also the way my partners accepted and appreciated my communication – I felt welcome to stand up for myself in a way I hadn’t before.
We were assured that all the techniques we practised would be used constantly at the party. Far from being nervous about the evening, I was starting to feel like I knew what to expect. My nervousness was turning to excitement….
Fast-forward a week, to the play party. The facilitators had told us to wear whatever we felt comfortable in, so I had changed into one of my favourite ‘special occasion’ ensembles. I wanted to be in a party frame of mind! As other guests arrived, I could see that some wore fetish costumes while others seemed happy in their regular street clothes. Someone even wore pyjamas and they looked very comfortable indeed. A lot of folk were getting changed at the venue and there was some good-natured conversation and greetings going on, for both the new workshop participants and the regular guests. A person I hadn’t met before asked me to assist them in doing up their corset; I had no idea how that worked but together we managed!
The party was started with a group ritual: We were encouraged to take some deep breaths together and speak aloud some affirmations. I felt self-conscious – was this about to get all ‘hippy’ and ‘spiritual’? It seemed as if the atmosphere was still friendly and playful. As we progressed through the ritual I felt myself becoming relaxed and focused and I realised ‘Ah-ha, this is what it’s meant for!’ We broke into random groups to discuss our intentions for the night. As the music came on, two people near me started having a play-fight wrestle and I realised that the party had started for real, just like that.
I don't know quite how to describe what I witnessed that night. I saw a lot of fascinating activities, but I feel that listing them all wouldn’t properly convey my experience. What I really loved was seeing the way people interacted, the communication and the amazing attitude that seemed to add so much confidence to everything that went on. It all felt so ‘light’; when I looked around the room I was surprised to see so many open, friendly faces. Even as they were doing really interesting things with each other, right out in the open, they acted as if it were the most natural thing in the world. That’s what sex-positivity is all about, right? Watching all this, I felt like I was starting to understand.
We had been told not to put too much pressure on ourselves to play hard or at all. It was my first time, after all, and apparently it would have been totally normal for me to spend the whole night watching and getting used to things. But Roger announced an intriguing exercise at the start of the night that I wanted to try. It was called ‘random pair matching’. I was paired up with a stranger and we were given a list of activities - everything from simple and platonic to complicated and saucy. One of the options on the list was to "teach this person how to kiss you", or something like that, and I laughed out loud; I'd never done that, but could easily imagine it with this person. They asked what I was laughing at, and so after a pause, I told them, and they laughed back! We decided to go ahead with this, and we went through the 'Consent Card' together.
The Consent Card is a list of questions to discuss before getting sexy. It was weird spending so much time talking about something before doing it - I was used to jumping straight in! After we'd chatted for a while we both knew exactly what was going to happen, and the anticipation was really turning me on. I guess this is what is meant by 'consent culture'? Before long we were deeply engaged in exploring each other’s' lips and mouths, and I loved it.
After this, I spent a lot of time just looking at what was going on around the room. I was glad we had been encouraged to just sit back and watch, because there was a lot to take in. It seemed quite relaxed - the laughing and talking, and the fact that some people were dressed so casually. People were expressing themselves in whatever way felt right for them. It was great. I saw a 'damsel in distress' scene, with a sexy lady being tied to makeshift 'railway tracks' so that her suitors could rescue her. A guy was restrained on a wooden cross and then...tickled. He was screaming with joy, as a number of people tormented him with their fingers and various implements. I don't think his underwear even came off, so the whole thing wasn't really about sex. But he looked like he was having an amazing time.
I did see some sex happening. Some of it was in pairs and some were small groups. I was careful not to interrupt because it had been made really clear that consent was mandatory - it wasn't okay to just join in without doing the whole consent process first. The whole night had that policy, in fact: unless it was clearly stated - like, seriously, on a whiteboard or something - that people could join in, it was a given that people playing together shouldn't be interrupted. One person had placed themselves in a steel cage and were welcoming strangers to come up to them, but they had a printout stuck up describing specifically what was and wasn't allowed. Talk about organisation!
Towards the end of the night there was a 'show and tell' session. I watched someone demonstrate why they like play-acting as a puppy, and another person showed us the correct technique for attaching pegs to someone's genitals. I didn't know labia could do the things I saw that night! Finally some eighties music started pumping from the stereo, and everyone broke off their play to get up and dance. After some more breathing and some beautiful affirmations, the night was declared officially over. I couldn't believe all the things I'd tried and witnessed; I was exhausted but inspired.
The next day I was back at the venue for the 'debrief session'. As soon as I walked in I could see that the vibe was very different - much more relaxed, probably because we were all still waking up! About forty people gathered - all of we first-timers, and also a lot of the regulars. First we debriefed in groups of three, then we all came together to speak about the previous evening's happenings. A few people spoke about new experiences they had the night before - 'firsts'. Someone talked about what they had wanted to do, but hadn't had the courage to pursue. We had a great conversation about rejection, and reaching out to others. It was so supportive. Rather than feeling like a newcomer, I suddenly felt like I was part of everything.
In the break time, I started chatting about rope bondage ('shibari') with someone I'd met the night before. It sounded intriguing and I made a mental note to explore it further at the next party.
All things considered, I feel like I've travelled to a different country. I had thought I would feel challenged and perhaps a bit scared, but now it all seemed really normal. The fact that my whole experience was so friendly and safe made me re-think sex, kinky sex and all the stuff that I'd previously thought might be out of my reach. I have no idea what I'll discover next; my first lesson is that I'm not even sure what I really want, or where I want my sexuality to go. But I guess that's the whole point. I feel like I'm taking the lid off my desires to see what's underneath. I'm so curious to see what I find!
I was really nervous before my first time at intimacy party, Curiosity. I’d tried a couple of sexuality events before – Sexpo and a kink club – but Curiosity sounded as if it would be more intense. Would it be too much for me? I was worried. Some of my friends had been there before and they kept describing it as friendly and safe… I found that hard to imagine. But something inside me said 'give this a go.' So, with some trepidation (but also excitement), I booked myself a ticket.
The workshop was the first hurdle to overcome. When I turned up the venue seemed okay. It was a pretty casual space and as I checked it out I could see a diverse range of people. It wasn’t like hanging out with my regular friends, but there were some smiles. I could see people making an effort to be friendly. The facilitators were diverse too. Roger and a female co-presenter both explained their gender identities – I’d never heard the term ‘disco-sexual’ before, although I’m pretty sure Rog was being tongue-in-cheek! In fact we all had a chance to introduce ourselves and offer our preferred pronouns. Not everyone identified as simply male or female, there was a lot of diversity. Everyone was totally accepting of everyone else’s identity.
After the intro, we got stuck straight into the workshop itself. There were some exercises, that our guides explained thoroughly beforehand. Some people worked with their partners or friends and the rest of us were efficiently matched at random by the facilitators. We started off with simple things – learning to say ‘no’, and setting boundaries via the ‘traffic light’ safe-word method. Around the room I could hear other participants navigating the exercises, saying ‘yes’, ‘no’, ‘green’, ‘orange’ and the occasional ‘red!’ So many whispers, giggles, or sometimes great seriousness! But when I began to concentrate on the exercise with my assigned partner I found myself fully engaged. I’d thought that working with a stranger would be scary, but I found it exhilarating. Even when I was paired with someone that I wouldn’t have normally played with if I met them at a party, I felt as though we reached an oddly satisfying level of understanding. I still felt safe and wasn’t pressured to do anything I was uncomfortable with – it didn’t have to be sexual.
Here are a few things I learned about myself during the workshop. I’d thought I had a pretty good idea of what consent is, and I’ve never been told I’m a bad communicator. But putting this common-sense knowledge into practice was really valuable. Communicating my boundaries with others was more challenging than I had expected and as I became better and better at it, I felt empowered to treat myself with a new level of respect. It wasn’t just the exercises, but also the way my partners accepted and appreciated my communication – I felt welcome to stand up for myself in a way I hadn’t before.
We were assured that all the techniques we practised would be used constantly at the party. Far from being nervous about the evening, I was starting to feel like I knew what to expect. My nervousness was turning to excitement….
Fast-forward a week, to the play party. The facilitators had told us to wear whatever we felt comfortable in, so I had changed into one of my favourite ‘special occasion’ ensembles. I wanted to be in a party frame of mind! As other guests arrived, I could see that some wore fetish costumes while others seemed happy in their regular street clothes. Someone even wore pyjamas and they looked very comfortable indeed. A lot of folk were getting changed at the venue and there was some good-natured conversation and greetings going on, for both the new workshop participants and the regular guests. A person I hadn’t met before asked me to assist them in doing up their corset; I had no idea how that worked but together we managed!
The party was started with a group ritual: We were encouraged to take some deep breaths together and speak aloud some affirmations. I felt self-conscious – was this about to get all ‘hippy’ and ‘spiritual’? It seemed as if the atmosphere was still friendly and playful. As we progressed through the ritual I felt myself becoming relaxed and focused and I realised ‘Ah-ha, this is what it’s meant for!’ We broke into random groups to discuss our intentions for the night. As the music came on, two people near me started having a play-fight wrestle and I realised that the party had started for real, just like that.
I don't know quite how to describe what I witnessed that night. I saw a lot of fascinating activities, but I feel that listing them all wouldn’t properly convey my experience. What I really loved was seeing the way people interacted, the communication and the amazing attitude that seemed to add so much confidence to everything that went on. It all felt so ‘light’; when I looked around the room I was surprised to see so many open, friendly faces. Even as they were doing really interesting things with each other, right out in the open, they acted as if it were the most natural thing in the world. That’s what sex-positivity is all about, right? Watching all this, I felt like I was starting to understand.
We had been told not to put too much pressure on ourselves to play hard or at all. It was my first time, after all, and apparently it would have been totally normal for me to spend the whole night watching and getting used to things. But Roger announced an intriguing exercise at the start of the night that I wanted to try. It was called ‘random pair matching’. I was paired up with a stranger and we were given a list of activities - everything from simple and platonic to complicated and saucy. One of the options on the list was to "teach this person how to kiss you", or something like that, and I laughed out loud; I'd never done that, but could easily imagine it with this person. They asked what I was laughing at, and so after a pause, I told them, and they laughed back! We decided to go ahead with this, and we went through the 'Consent Card' together.
The Consent Card is a list of questions to discuss before getting sexy. It was weird spending so much time talking about something before doing it - I was used to jumping straight in! After we'd chatted for a while we both knew exactly what was going to happen, and the anticipation was really turning me on. I guess this is what is meant by 'consent culture'? Before long we were deeply engaged in exploring each other’s' lips and mouths, and I loved it.
After this, I spent a lot of time just looking at what was going on around the room. I was glad we had been encouraged to just sit back and watch, because there was a lot to take in. It seemed quite relaxed - the laughing and talking, and the fact that some people were dressed so casually. People were expressing themselves in whatever way felt right for them. It was great. I saw a 'damsel in distress' scene, with a sexy lady being tied to makeshift 'railway tracks' so that her suitors could rescue her. A guy was restrained on a wooden cross and then...tickled. He was screaming with joy, as a number of people tormented him with their fingers and various implements. I don't think his underwear even came off, so the whole thing wasn't really about sex. But he looked like he was having an amazing time.
I did see some sex happening. Some of it was in pairs and some were small groups. I was careful not to interrupt because it had been made really clear that consent was mandatory - it wasn't okay to just join in without doing the whole consent process first. The whole night had that policy, in fact: unless it was clearly stated - like, seriously, on a whiteboard or something - that people could join in, it was a given that people playing together shouldn't be interrupted. One person had placed themselves in a steel cage and were welcoming strangers to come up to them, but they had a printout stuck up describing specifically what was and wasn't allowed. Talk about organisation!
Towards the end of the night there was a 'show and tell' session. I watched someone demonstrate why they like play-acting as a puppy, and another person showed us the correct technique for attaching pegs to someone's genitals. I didn't know labia could do the things I saw that night! Finally some eighties music started pumping from the stereo, and everyone broke off their play to get up and dance. After some more breathing and some beautiful affirmations, the night was declared officially over. I couldn't believe all the things I'd tried and witnessed; I was exhausted but inspired.
The next day I was back at the venue for the 'debrief session'. As soon as I walked in I could see that the vibe was very different - much more relaxed, probably because we were all still waking up! About forty people gathered - all of we first-timers, and also a lot of the regulars. First we debriefed in groups of three, then we all came together to speak about the previous evening's happenings. A few people spoke about new experiences they had the night before - 'firsts'. Someone talked about what they had wanted to do, but hadn't had the courage to pursue. We had a great conversation about rejection, and reaching out to others. It was so supportive. Rather than feeling like a newcomer, I suddenly felt like I was part of everything.
In the break time, I started chatting about rope bondage ('shibari') with someone I'd met the night before. It sounded intriguing and I made a mental note to explore it further at the next party.
All things considered, I feel like I've travelled to a different country. I had thought I would feel challenged and perhaps a bit scared, but now it all seemed really normal. The fact that my whole experience was so friendly and safe made me re-think sex, kinky sex and all the stuff that I'd previously thought might be out of my reach. I have no idea what I'll discover next; my first lesson is that I'm not even sure what I really want, or where I want my sexuality to go. But I guess that's the whole point. I feel like I'm taking the lid off my desires to see what's underneath. I'm so curious to see what I find!
STILL NOT SURE?
In episode 40 of the Curious Creatures podcast, Curious Conversations About Sex, four people talk in intimate detail about their experiences at intimacy party, Curiosity. Check it out: Secrets from inside a Sex-Party Community.
It's a highly recommended listen in terms of preparing you for what to expect, and addressing fears (particularly about nervousness, sleaziness, and comfort). And, while you're there, you might want to subscribe - search for 'Curious Conversations About Sex' on your podcast app.
...Finally, you might enjoy this person's well written account of their first-time experience at Curiosity (external site).
It's a highly recommended listen in terms of preparing you for what to expect, and addressing fears (particularly about nervousness, sleaziness, and comfort). And, while you're there, you might want to subscribe - search for 'Curious Conversations About Sex' on your podcast app.
...Finally, you might enjoy this person's well written account of their first-time experience at Curiosity (external site).